Do you dread the time between when your kids get home from school and dinnertime? Are fights, yelling and crying more inevitable than death and taxes? Then you, my friend, have fallen victim to the deep, dark and mysterious black magic of the witching hour. Before you call your tax adviser, I’ve got some concrete advice to help break the nasty spell. No longer will you be the Wicked Witch of the West. Just keep these tips in mind, tap your glitteriest red shoes together and say it with me: “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home …”

• Break it up (the monotony and the time that is, not your marriage or household). Every preschool has a scheduled routine for the day; these little guys need it, and you need it. Break two-hour increments into four half-hour segments. Definitely include a downtime and give young children two to three choices for what to do during each time period. Give them something to look forward to.
• Make a list. Involve kids in making a list of activities they enjoy; help them refer to it when they need ideas or re-directing. Art and books are no-brainers. (I would say that limited amounts of time on an electronic device or watching a mellow TV show are acceptable, but I live in the East Bay, and I don’t need hate mail.) Every so often, add new activities to the list. Your child will have new interests every few weeks; get books on those subjects from the library.
• Articulate great expectations. Confidently tell your children what kind of behavior you expect. If you’ve got work to do and need them to play quietly for a bit, tell them how long it will be and what you’ll do after. Remember to be supportive and convey that you believe in them. (If you do it in a negative, threatening way, you’re setting everyone up for failure.) The more you establish the fact that there is a plan and some structure, the less chaotic things will be. Try not to get too frustrated when they inevitably slip up. If you feed their drama with your own, you’ll only get lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
• Nip it in the bud. When you start to hear the tone of the play getting sassy or too rambunctious— before it’s clear you’re not in Kansas anymore—remind them of your expectations. Review their choices and give them the opportunity and responsibility of making good decisions (if they only had a brain?). Instead of focusing on punishment and blame, convey that you believe they can work things out through honest communication and respect.
• Try to engage. Have a heart. You’re no Tin Man and don’t be a Cowardly Lion. No matter how busy you are, you have enough time to play with your children. Even if you can only spare 20 minutes, tell them clearly you have time to spend with them. Get hands-free and dive into their world. Relax and enjoy them and watch them magically become relaxing and enjoyable. For you are Glinda, the Good Witch of the North.
• Applaud their efforts. It’s so easy to only say something when you need to discipline or re-direct. Attention energizes. Make a conscious effort to thank them and applaud them when you see they are helping you out and behaving respectfully. Help them see that when they make good choices, everyone benefits and feels better. Because, because, because, because, because—because of the wonderful things he does.

We all long for a place where there isn’t trouble, somewhere over the rainbow. By now you know parenting isn’t always a romantic love story. No doubt it will be an action/adventure, but you can help it be less of a suburban drama. Anytime things start spinning out of control, take charge. Huddle up and make a plan. Be the director in your own family classic. Like Dorothy, you may awake to find that you needn’t look any farther than your own backyard to find your heart’s desire. Because if it isn’t there, you never really lost it to begin with.

Well, the next time your toddler does, take solace in the fact that you have choices on how to react. What’s more, if you make the “right” choices, they’re gonna’ freak out less and less. I’m going to elaborate but first, allow me to establish some irrefutable truths of human nature – truths that will light your way in your quest to curb your toddler’s unruly behavior and hence bring you more peace and quiet.

1. Human beings wish to be treated with respect. It’s innate and it’s evident as early as one year. If you want your child to heed your guidance, you will want to treat him with respect.
2. Children don’t naturally want to “misbehave.” Sure they’re wired to test a bit, but if they do it repeatedly it’s because they have been conditioned to or have not been taught how else to behave.
3. The word “discipline” has a latin meaning of “instruction, knowledge.” “Disciple” means “learner.” (please note the absence of the terms “training” or “punishment.”)
4. Young children learn best by modeling behavior.
5. “Anger is the enemy of instruction.” OK, it’s a quote from eleven-time NBA championship coach Phil Jackson, but I’m putting it here in the irrefutable truths section. Think about it. Frustration and anger just distract humans from attaining messages.

Now, watch how these do’s and don’ts flow seamlessly from these truths. The next time your toddler is faced with a challenge – be it physical, social, emotional, cognitive or all of the above – and proceeds to lose her marbles, keep these do’s and don’ts in mind:

• Do Accept – You want to meet the situation with an understanding that your child has not learned how to communicate or react yet and is behaving perfectly natural (albeit annoying). If you meet your child with a sense of understanding and acceptance, it will color your reaction and make your child more willing to adhere to your advice and support.
• Don’t Get Defeated – Your confidence is key and should be bolstered by the fact that you know these situations are inevitable. Helping your child in these moments is very much part of your role now (albeit annoying). You’ll be much more effective if you can manage to accept this as well as your child’s behavior.
• Do Empathize – This ties into the acceptance piece and the #1 truth above. If you can somehow convey to your child that you genuinely feel for him in these (albeit annoying) moments, it will go a long way towards gaining his cooperation.
• Don’t Exude Frustration – You’re a leader and a teacher. If you get all flustered, you won’t be able to communicate effectively and your child will not only be distracted from your messages – you will ironically be reinforcing the very behavior you wish to curb. (This flows from the truth I didn’t list: It’s fun to watch mom or dad sweat.)
• Do Interpret – Try to decipher what your child is telling you through her behavior. What’s the message here and how did your own behavior or tone influence the scenario? (that part’s not easy)
• Don’t Ignore – There’s a time and place when the best thing to do is simply to ignore a child’s behavior. But it will be both disrespectful and ineffective if you skip all the other steps.
• Do Teach – Once you’ve interpreted, it’s time to impart. You can do this through both your calm words and your actions. What understanding or language is she missing that will help now and next time?
• Don’t Train – Best to stay away from bribes unless you think Dana Carvey was onto something (hint: he’s a comedian). As these little guys get older, you can start to explain the benefits associated with making the right choices. Calmly remind them what’s in it for them – much more effective long term than bribes and threats.
• Do Redirect – For these young ones, especially when they’re all fired-up, you don’t want to get caught lecturing – keep it brief and then move the attention to the next activity. Sell it a bit. If you can somehow tie that activity towards what she wanted in the first place, but in a more acceptable manner, all the better. You’ll be showing your child that you respect her (that makes humans more willing to listen).
• Don’t Punish – If you in fact accept all five truths above – especially #2 (I like making you read them again)– then it follows that punishing young children is futile. Just ask yourself: Do I want to teach my child that when he gets frustrated and tests limits he will be punished, or teach him that there are alternatives to his behavior, he can make better choices, it will benefit him in the end, and I am here to help him learn all that?
• Do Disengage from Conflict – There will no doubt be times when you have done all you can and your child is still not having any of it. We’ve all had moments where everyone lost their cool. We all know what good that did us. Disengage and their tantrums will lose power and eventually cease.
• Don’t Engage in Conflict – Getting worked up? They already know our buttons. Just respectfully and calmly tell your child YOU need to calm down and walk away from the battle. Stick to whatever lesson you were teaching and tell him you’re ready to help him more when you both calm down; balance empathy with calm, confident consistency.

The hardest part in all of this is keeping your own emotions under control when your child is pushing your buttons (see – didn’t you like me better when I understood you?). But if you can manage to do more of these “do’s” and less of these “don’ts,” you’ll find your child will internalize the lessons sooner. That’ll give you more time to read parenting articles – joy!

(If you want more concrete guidance,

then you want my Foundation Fundamentals Video Package

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                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

What Parents Can Learn from Bruce Bochy and the San Francisco Giants

In 2010, the San Francisco Giants were 6½ games back in their division in August. This year, they were neck and neck with the Dodgers mid-season, when the Dodgers made multiple blockbuster trades. Next thing you know, one of the Giants’ best players gets suspended for the remainder of the season. Somehow, some way, both seasons ended in champagne celebrations and ticker-tape parades. How were the Giants able to overcome such adversity, stay united, and ultimately attain success?

The Giants did what any group of people does when they encounter a crisis, they looked to their leader. Bruce Bochy manages with a calm, honest confidence. At a lifetime achievement acceptance speech in 2011, he discussed the keys to a leader building resiliency. We all want our children to be resilient and learn to handle life’s inevitable challenges with grace and determination. To that end, there’s much we can learn from Bruce Bochy and the World Champion San Francisco Giants.

• “Resiliency comes from being positive but also not taking yourself so seriously.” That’s straight from Bochy’s mouth, but I can’t think of two better pieces of advice for handling today’s stressed-out, perfection-craving parenting arena. The “stay positive” aspect seems obvious enough if you think about it. We’re leaders and our children are looking to us to set the tone each day. So easy to get frustrated and defeated but if we stay that way most of the time, it’s only natural it would trickle down to our children. If we want them to be resilient, and learn to handle life’s inevitable bumps and bruises, the single best thing we can do, is model a positive outlook. This is obviously hardest and yet most crucial in times of crisis.

  That segues perfectly into the “not take yourself so seriously” piece to this puzzle. What’s a crisis and what’s not? Seems to me, a big component to that dynamic is what we as leaders make of the whole thing. Our children will follow our lead. The best we can do is stay positive and not take ourselves and the whole parenting schtick too seriously. Like Bochy, convey your belief in your children with calm, consistent, confidence. He concludes, “The teams that are there in the end are the most positive.”

• Model and Teach the Importance of Learning from Mistakes – Mistakes, challenges, adversity, and failure are all inevitable whether you’re talking about a 162 game season, your child’s academic performance, or toilet training. Again so important to keep in mind our children learn from the behavior we model. It’s up to us, to accept these tests, help our children decipher the lessons, and impart them in a non-judgmental, supportive manner. It starts with our attitude. Take it from Bochy, “If a player makes a mistake, I want him to learn from it. I want him to move on.” Sergio Romo, the Giants’ closer, had this to say of Bochy: “He’s not judgmental at all. He had a lot of patience with us this season, which we needed.”

• “Focus Forward” – Another phrase straight from the horse’s mouth (Bochy). Once we’ve addressed the issue and what was learned, it’s up to us as leaders to move the attention and energy toward future endeavors and improvements. We can do that with two simple words: “next time.” Like Bochy, we don’t want to dwell on the negative or the failure: “We want them in the here and now.”

• Stay Supportive – So much of a parent’s role is tied into discouraging certain behaviors. It’s easy to slip into that mode on a daily basis or take things personally. We need to recognize that our children need our encouragement and belief. As Bochy explains, “when you see someone having a hard time, help them out of it.”

• Enjoy Each Other – OK, this one is more from Hunter Pence and his now infamous speech before game three of the Reds series this year. As he pleaded to his teammates to “play for each other” and confessed, “I need one more day with you guys,” the unity and resilience that Bochy had instilled in the team, through his calm, honest leadership, was never so clear. It’s what enabled them to win two championships. Leaders create tones of enjoyment or frustration; either way, those tones permeate. “It starts at the top,” Pence explains. “There’s a unique, relaxed and encouraging feeling that starts with Bochy. He’s always calm, and that keeps us calm.”

  No doubt us parents can learn from these guys and strive to be giants in our own homes. As I say in the closing line of my book, the memories and relationship we create together with our children, is our championship.

  P.S. – If you or someone you know enjoys quotes on leadership and sports (and how they relate to our role as parents), you’ll want to grab my book (Foreword from Steve Young) -

  Dad’s Playbook: Wisdom for Fathers from the Greatest Coaches of All Time!

You May Say…

Before you brush me off as a pompous dreamer, I ask you: What kind of country would we have if we all committed to supporting our children’s emotional development as much as we endorse our political parties? What if we raised as much money for our schools as we do for these outrageously bratty campaigns.

Imagine

Think about it. Picture if you will, a country full of people who are dedicated to making their own children feel supported and loved each and every day. Wouldn’t those children grow to be more invested in their communities and have a natural, intrinsic desire to do their best (that’s for the conservatives) and to help others (there you go liberals)? You want to get the economy moving? Anyone in retail will tell you, people spend more money when they’re feeling good. Every parent can do their part today.

No matter your race, religion, or economic status, the benefits are undeniable. We might all disagree on healthcare and defense spending, but it’s hard to argue against the fact that children who are made to feel worthwhile and loved, grow to be more content, confident, and productive members of society. It’s simple logic to me, but research has shown that when children are emotionally supported in schools and in homes, their test scores rise. Imagine how much better our children would be performing if we walked around with stickers that read, “I enjoyed my child today!” U.S.A! U.S.A!

Oh Say Can You See?

Maybe we could re-write the national anthem. Take out that line about “The bombs bursting in air” and sing “parents enjoyed and cared!” John Lennon asked us to imagine there’s no countries. I say that’s kooky talk (just so you know my dreams have boundaries). My point here is, if you’re not motivated to cherish your child for yourself, herself, or your family, then do it for your country!

Imagine if everyone greeted their children with enthusiasm and love and surrounded them with support and encouragement. I’d think our children would be more inclined to learn to solve problems and work together. If all our teenagers were treated with acceptance and understanding, wouldn’t they do the same for each other? Talk about trickle down effects. I doubt we’d have situations like Columbine if we all made a conscious effort to value our own children.

Life, Liberty…

This great country was founded on the ideal of the pursuit of happiness. We all want our children to grow up confident and emotionally content – with a strong sense of self-worth. We can accomplish all of that by making an effort to appreciate our children today. Much like exercising the right to vote, whether a parent decides to enjoy her children or not is a choice. You don’t have to register – no forms to fill out or chads to punch. You can make the commitment right now. Whether you’re pro-choice or pro-life, you’ll agree with me here: our country would be much better off if we all invested in our children more; if we considered it as much our civic duty as voting. We’d all be happier and more productive. Elect to enjoy your children today!

Uncle Sam I Am

Don’t wait another four years. “I WANT YOU” to try today. Heck you can do it every day. Might sound exhausting, but I’m trusting you’ve heard of self-fulfilling prophecies. If I guaranteed you, your children would become more enjoyable the second you determine to enjoy them, might you exercise your right to enjoy? No filibuster here. You’re more powerful than the president and you don’t even know it! Least you can do is try. You might like them in a boat. You might like them with a goat. You might like them here and there. You might like them anywhere! If we all pulled together and did it – as a nation? Superpower. The only possible negative would be in terms of border patrol. Who wouldn’t want to live here?

No doubt parenting can be frustrating. But the moment you commit to enjoy the ride overall, the bumps along the way get smoother and smaller. Choose right now to value our greatest natural resource. Convey admiration clearly the next time you greet them. You might have heard, it takes a village. Let’s face the demands and pressures of parenting like the UNITED States by listening to each other and helping one another. I know. I just met you, and yes this is crazy. But what say we support one another in our efforts to celebrate our children – for each other, our children, and our county? God bless America! Now get out there, and rock the enjoy!

P.S. – If you have consciously tried to enjoy your role and your children but still are unable, it’s a clear sign that it’s time for support from someone who understands.

But before I begin, let me say: Don’t think for a minute I don’t understand or appreciate how frustrating parenting can be. I’ve seen it and personally experienced it for years. The reason I am a Parent Coach is because I want to help and can. Starting from a place of gratitude will make you a better leader. Your child will want to listen to you more. That’s what you want.

1. Gratitude Allows us to celebrate the present. The theme of the final chapter of my book, living in the moment is a worthy goal for parents. How many times have you heard the phrases, “They grow so fast,” or “the blink of an eye?” Beginning from a place of gratitude is the best way to be more present in our lives and with our children. There’s no denying parenting can be frustrating and tiring. But most parents will tell you the joys outweigh the struggles. A key to tipping that balance in our favor, is making a conscious effort to start from a place of gratitude. When we make a conscious effort to be grateful for our children, we not only apply the power of gratitude, we also enlist the undeniable influence of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Ultimately we decide whether our children are our greatest burden or our greatest joy. They will become whichever we chose. The next time you have an opportunity to share time with your children, make a conscious effort to live in the moment and enjoy their presence, then sit back and watch how enjoyable they become.
2. Gratitude blocks toxic, negative emotions. We all have them. As you know, when our children aren’t listening to us, it’s easy to succumb to feelings of anger and resentment. We forget, our children are going through so many changes and challenges, it’s only natural for them to get frustrated and defeated. If we match their frustration and stress with equally negative energy, we end up in power struggles and heated arguments no one can win. Even Ghandi wouldn’t be able to maintain gratitude in the midst of a two-year-old tantrum, but the point is to begin there. If you start from a thankful perspective, it will be so much easier to meet their “misbehavior” with an understanding that they just don’t know better yet. Your attitude will color all our interactions with them – and help them to be more grateful as well. You’ll find the moments of frustration, while an inevitable part of life, will be fewer and less fervent in time.
3. Grateful people are more stress resistant. I’m guessing that like me, you have enough stress in your life. No doubt the challenge of parenting is part of that. When someone suggests a way to alleviate stress, I listen. Deepak Chopra will tell you that gratitude will connect you with the source of abundance. That sounds good to me, but I’ll add that it will make the task of parenting easier and less stressful for you. Let’s go ahead and accept the idea that parenting is a form of leadership. Who wants to follow a stressed-out, panicking leader? Begin with gratitude, and you’ll be a more positive, confident captain. Your children will be more apt to follow your lead and grow to be equally gracious and successful.
4. Grateful people have higher sense of self-worth. Buy low, sell high. We all want to be happy and content in our lives. As parents, we want the same for our children. Start recognizing and acknowledging all you have and those who have helped you along the way. It will change your entire mojo from “woe-is-me” to “happy-go-lucky!” Model and articulate it for your children and watch it spread like pink eye. Simply by inviting the power of gratitude into your life, you’ll improve your whole family’s sense of purpose and quality of life.

So many tangible benefits to applying the power of gratitude to parenting. Unlike starting a new workout regime or diet, making an effort to be more grateful is relatively easy. You can start right now. When you’re done reading here, take a moment and consider how fortunate you are to have your children in your life. As challenging as parenting can be, reflect upon how much meaning and joy they bring to your world. If it comes from your heart, don’t be shy about telling your children how thankful you are for them. When you begin with gratitude, you’ll be delighted to find that you’ll finish there as well.